Ramblings of a Curly-Haired Man, Vol. 9

I landed in China with a plane ticket, a spring roll the size of my forearm, and the kind of confidence that could power a bullet train.

✍️ Preface

This is an original essay from our Chinese-language series 卷发男人的碎碎念 (Ramblings of a Curly-Haired Man), first published on April 15, 2025, on our Chinese social channels.

It’s been translated into English for our global audience. Both the English translation and the original Chinese version are included below.

If you're new here, this series documents my real life adapting to China—with no filter, no hero narrative and definitely no language prep.

---

🇬🇧 English Translation

I came to China on impulse.
Didn’t speak Chinese.
Had no idea what reality would be like.

All it took was watching the first two minutes of a 15-minute YouTube video about Guangzhou.
I told myself:
“Whatever. I got this.” 😌📉📦

Before coming to China, here was the full extent of my cultural knowledge:

1. 👯‍♀️ In elementary school, there were these twins from Beijing who once brought mooncakes to class. I thought they were edible soap.

2. 🐉 Across the street from my house was a Chinese takeout joint called “Twin Dragon,” run by a boss from Fujian. He sold me the biggest spring roll I’ve ever seen in my life. Looking back now… that thing wasn’t real Chinese food. It was an American Fantasy Roll™.

I landed in Guangzhou, China at 2am, walking out of the airport like an international spy.
👀 I couldn’t read a single sign
💬 I couldn’t recognize a single character
🗺️ I couldn’t pronounce the name of the street I was staying on
🚶‍♂️ But I walked like I was in a documentary. My facial expressions? Perfectly managed.

📌 Once, I ordered beef noodles by imitating a cow 🐮
💊 At the pharmacy, I acted out a silent film to show I was dying
📍 I gave another foreigner directions by pointing to a KTV and saying, “I think that’s a hospital?”

🧃 Bonus shame story:
At FamilyMart, the cashier asked the person ahead of me: “Do you want a bag?”
I didn’t realize that “ma/吗” meant she was asking a question. So when it was my turn, I proudly repeated:
“Yaodàizi ma/Do you want a bag?”
Her face looked like I was buffering…
All I could do was smile socially 🙂 and accept my fate.

Everyone else is sitting in cafés reading Atomic Habits ☕
I’m getting spiritually humbled by Auntie Wang at the wet market 🐟
Trying to explain “cilantro” through interpretive dance and WeChat stickers 💃📱🌿

I never really studied Chinese.
I absorbed it.

My first vocabulary set came entirely from answering aunties who asked me the same 4 questions daily:
👵 Where are you from?
👵 How long have you been in China?
👵 What do you do?
👵 Do you have a Chinese girlfriend?

I used to pronounce "xiaolongbao" like it was a Pokémon move.
I didn’t die. So what’s left to be afraid of? 🔥💀🥟

Delusional confidence isn’t optional.
It’s the only reason I survived.
Especially when my phone died, the menu was in traditional characters, and the only thing I could recognize…
was my own reflection in the soy sauce bottle. 🪞🫠🧂

🧱 What’s the lesson?
Forget dignity.
Forget doing it the “right way.”
Point, nod, smile. Learn as you go. 😤🧩📡

That’s Ramblings of a Curly-Haired Man, Vol. 9.
Brought to you by dumplings, blind optimism, and hallucinatory WeChat translations. 📲🥟🌀

Now if you’ll excuse me—
I need to get back to brick-moving.
🧱😌🧠🕳️

---

🇨🇳 中文原文

🧠 卷发男人的碎碎念，Vol. 9

我带着一张机票、一根巨型春卷，还有能给高铁供电的自信来到中国

我是完全冲动来中国的。
不懂中文，对现实毫无认知。
我只看了一个15分钟广州YouTube视频的前2分钟，就决定：

“管它呢，我能搞定。” 😌📉📦

我在来中国之前，对中国文化的全部了解是：

1. 👯‍♀️ 小学时班上有一对北京双胞胎女生，有次带了月饼，我以为那是可以吃的肥皂

2. 🐉 我家对面有一家叫 “Twin Dragon” 的外卖店，老板是个福清大哥
   他卖我人生中见过最大的春卷。
   现在回想一下……那根根本不算真正的中餐，是 美式幻想卷™。

我凌晨两点落地广州，像个国际特工一样走出机场。
👀 看不懂路牌
💬 不认识一个汉字
🗺️ 连我住的街道名都不会念
🚶‍♂️ 但我走路像在拍纪录片，表情管理完美

📌 有一次我点牛肉面，全靠模仿牛叫 🐮
💊 去药店，我表演了一场“我快死了”的默剧
📍 给另一个外国人指路，我指着一家KTV说 “我觉得那是医院吧？”

🧃 羞耻时刻番外篇：
在全家便利店排队，收银小妹问我前面那人：“要袋子吗？”
我不知道“吗”是疑问语气的标志，于是我自信地重复：
“要袋子嘛吗？”
她看我的表情就像我正在加载…
我只能露出一个社会性微笑🙂

别人都在咖啡馆读《原子习惯》☕
而我在菜市场被王阿姨进行灵魂打击 🐟
试图用微信表情包和现代舞解释“香菜” 💃📱🌿

我从来没“学”中文，
我是靠吸收来的。
我学的第一批词，全是回答每天被问4次的阿姨提问：

👵 你哪国人？
👵 来中国多久啦？
👵 做什么工作？
👵 有中国老婆吗？

我曾经把“小笼包”发音像在念宝可梦技能。
我没死。
那我还怕什么？🔥💀🥟

幻想级自信不是可选项，
而是我在异国生存的唯一机制。
尤其是当手机没电、菜单全是繁体、
唯一看得懂的东西就是酱油瓶里的自己 🪞🫠🧂

🧱 故事的寓意？

忘掉体面。
忘掉“正确方法”。
大胆地指、点头、微笑，然后边走边学。😤🧩📡

这就是 卷发男人的碎碎念 Vol. 9
由水饺、盲目乐观、以及微信翻译幻觉友情赞助 📲🥟🌀

现在请原谅我——
我还要继续搬砖。
🧱😌🧠🕳️

---

🧭 Subscribe for More:

If you enjoyed this post, consider subscribing to Global Link—where we explore cross-cultural living, language learning and building a life beyond borders.

New entries every week—real stories, strategy, and survival from life abroad. ✈️📓